collapse

Stories Untold
 
 
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Author Topic: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)  (Read 502 times)

Offline Benetian Snares

  • b i g b o y
  • [Staff] General
  • Centipede
  • *****
  • Posts: 25,099
  • Karma: +4268/-0
  • The resident buttmonkey
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For the b i g b o y s  - from a v e r a g e b o y For reaching the rank 'General' - from konnichiha For being loveable - from Yugioh77 Award bestowed upon members inducted into the forum Hall of Fame - from konnichiha Happy Birthday! - from Spookie ;) An Award for Ben - from Omega You make up a part of the Elite 4.  - from Hivetyrantofawesome
    • View Profile
    • Awards
I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« on: January 10, 2018, 09:25 PM »
NEW LINK: https://www.scribd.com/document/378366110/Soul-Jar-2nd-upload?secret_password=B0xfehAL8SiFQq39SVqb

I've posted this on a few servers already so I figured I might as well post it publicly, feel free to tell me what you think, constructive criticism, etc.

Fair warning: there's swearing in the second half of this.
Thanks: Cian, Martin, Mariokartfan, Epicosaurus, FFK, Death, Startrek, Shady, lavalinn, Jigglypuff, BlueBeauty, kingofdanerds
« Last Edit: May 06, 2018, 04:58 PM by Benzel Washington »



Offline Tritertitan

  • The cool guy
  • Mainsite Office Employee
  • Reverser
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,871
  • Karma: +486/-0
  • Whoever is slobbering their knob; stop, thanks
  • Awards For having lots of positive karma, a great member in the Sploder Community - from liamnight
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2018, 09:26 PM »
Will read later


Offline FFK

  • Soldier
  • Bugmeister
  • *******
  • Posts: 33,946
  • Karma: +3861/-0
  • Awards For being a good forum member - from Yugioh77 For reaching the rank 'Soldier'.  - from Epicosaurus For being a good forum member - from Rule For being a big help to the staff - from Lt. Death Happy Birthday! - from Tbremise For having lots of positive karma, a great member in the Sploder Community - from Ravicale  *winks* - from tbremise You have earned a semi-rare sapphire! - from ♚ ♛
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2018, 10:29 PM »
already read this and i loved it. i especially loved the plot and how you wrote the characters
especially tom, he was really interesting
i read it the other day so idk but i feel like some of the inner dialogue of eaststone was kinda repetitive or insignificant but i can also understand ur point of putting them there so idk

also good ending. kinda scary but good. muy bien. good story

Offline Benetian Snares

  • b i g b o y
  • [Staff] General
  • Centipede
  • *****
  • Posts: 25,099
  • Karma: +4268/-0
  • The resident buttmonkey
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For the b i g b o y s  - from a v e r a g e b o y For reaching the rank 'General' - from konnichiha For being loveable - from Yugioh77 Award bestowed upon members inducted into the forum Hall of Fame - from konnichiha Happy Birthday! - from Spookie ;) An Award for Ben - from Omega You make up a part of the Elite 4.  - from Hivetyrantofawesome
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2018, 06:56 PM »
I know there’s more than one person with something to say about it...



Offline Butter

  • happy hello!
  • Disruptor
  • ****
  • Posts: 16,094
  • Karma: +3545/-0
  • hello!
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL I made it to the Top 10 in Trials IV!!! - from LIAM WILL You've earned three features! Nice job! - from BIA For participating in the ZSG - from Epicosaurus Happy Birthday! - from Epicosaurus Eat butter. Love butter. Butter is life. - from Epicosaurus For being a great game artist - from Epicosaurus A member with this award now has a liamnight pony. Feed him fried peanut butter, - from Epicosaurus
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2018, 09:02 PM »
the introduction was confusing...

Offline Benetian Snares

  • b i g b o y
  • [Staff] General
  • Centipede
  • *****
  • Posts: 25,099
  • Karma: +4268/-0
  • The resident buttmonkey
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For the b i g b o y s  - from a v e r a g e b o y For reaching the rank 'General' - from konnichiha For being loveable - from Yugioh77 Award bestowed upon members inducted into the forum Hall of Fame - from konnichiha Happy Birthday! - from Spookie ;) An Award for Ben - from Omega You make up a part of the Elite 4.  - from Hivetyrantofawesome
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2018, 11:30 PM »
the introduction was confusing...
How so



Offline wordigirl

  • Tank
  • ***
  • Posts: 6,234
  • Karma: +1616/-0
  • Have an exuberantly blessed day!!!
  • Awards Beware The Parry Award! - from ur mom. I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For having lots of positive karma, a great member in the Sploder Community - from Joji Happy Birthday! - from Joji
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2018, 02:01 PM »
Woah! Lol benis. I didn't know you could write like that. Interesting and captivating. I felt like I was watching a movie lol.

I write too. Thumbs up (besides cursing of course lol)
Best Thread 2017
❤love y'all https://bit.ly/2xde6rz❤
Need prayer? Seeking Answers? https://bit.ly/2J3hJSG


Offline Benetian Snares

  • b i g b o y
  • [Staff] General
  • Centipede
  • *****
  • Posts: 25,099
  • Karma: +4268/-0
  • The resident buttmonkey
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For the b i g b o y s  - from a v e r a g e b o y For reaching the rank 'General' - from konnichiha For being loveable - from Yugioh77 Award bestowed upon members inducted into the forum Hall of Fame - from konnichiha Happy Birthday! - from Spookie ;) An Award for Ben - from Omega You make up a part of the Elite 4.  - from Hivetyrantofawesome
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2018, 03:24 PM »
Wow it took until now for me to realize I left “INTRODUCTION” in there from when it was originally a completely different story I’m dumb


Woah! Lol benis. I didn't know you could write like that. Interesting and captivating. I felt like I was watching a movie lol.

I write too. Thumbs up (besides cursing of course lol)
Thanks!



Offline Butter

  • happy hello!
  • Disruptor
  • ****
  • Posts: 16,094
  • Karma: +3545/-0
  • hello!
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL I made it to the Top 10 in Trials IV!!! - from LIAM WILL You've earned three features! Nice job! - from BIA For participating in the ZSG - from Epicosaurus Happy Birthday! - from Epicosaurus Eat butter. Love butter. Butter is life. - from Epicosaurus For being a great game artist - from Epicosaurus A member with this award now has a liamnight pony. Feed him fried peanut butter, - from Epicosaurus
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2018, 06:38 PM »
how come you reference page numbers in the introduction...

Offline Benetian Snares

  • b i g b o y
  • [Staff] General
  • Centipede
  • *****
  • Posts: 25,099
  • Karma: +4268/-0
  • The resident buttmonkey
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For the b i g b o y s  - from a v e r a g e b o y For reaching the rank 'General' - from konnichiha For being loveable - from Yugioh77 Award bestowed upon members inducted into the forum Hall of Fame - from konnichiha Happy Birthday! - from Spookie ;) An Award for Ben - from Omega You make up a part of the Elite 4.  - from Hivetyrantofawesome
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2018, 06:42 PM »
how come you reference page numbers in the introduction...
My professor for that class always wanted a stupid amount of detail so I threw that in to please him



Offline Benetian Snares

  • b i g b o y
  • [Staff] General
  • Centipede
  • *****
  • Posts: 25,099
  • Karma: +4268/-0
  • The resident buttmonkey
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For the b i g b o y s  - from a v e r a g e b o y For reaching the rank 'General' - from konnichiha For being loveable - from Yugioh77 Award bestowed upon members inducted into the forum Hall of Fame - from konnichiha Happy Birthday! - from Spookie ;) An Award for Ben - from Omega You make up a part of the Elite 4.  - from Hivetyrantofawesome
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2018, 05:01 PM »
I've re-uploaded it. I didn't change much other than correcting a bunch of grammar mistakes and removing that weird INTRODUCTION heading (I had accidentally left it from when the story was something completely different and never noticed until I had uploaded). Feel free to give me some constructive criticism/ideas on how to improve; now that I'mm on break i have time to work on it some more. I know that FFK said the inner monologue gets kind of repetitive and I agree so that's at least one thing for me to change a bit lol.



Offline lavalinn

  • Soldier
  • Tank
  • ***
  • Posts: 5,043
  • Karma: +1731/-0
  • lord forgive me for my sins
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For winning Avatar Wars - from greenrain For contributing to the Records board, can be earned for the most miniscule task - from Daniel ឵឵឵឵ For reaching the rank 'Soldier'.  - from Probe For eating bread - from LiamCreates Happy Birthday!  - from Miyu Makimura For participating in the Becoming a Soldier Game Show. - from Jmc10 For participating in the Volare Challenge - from Kaynichiha
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2018, 06:24 PM »
I normally dont like reading stories but this was a hella noice story my man, i really digged the ending

Make more man  :8):

Offline Benetian Snares

  • b i g b o y
  • [Staff] General
  • Centipede
  • *****
  • Posts: 25,099
  • Karma: +4268/-0
  • The resident buttmonkey
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For the b i g b o y s  - from a v e r a g e b o y For reaching the rank 'General' - from konnichiha For being loveable - from Yugioh77 Award bestowed upon members inducted into the forum Hall of Fame - from konnichiha Happy Birthday! - from Spookie ;) An Award for Ben - from Omega You make up a part of the Elite 4.  - from Hivetyrantofawesome
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #12 on: May 10, 2018, 07:07 AM »
a



Offline Death

  • Strawberry Sniggles
  • [Staff] General
  • Centipede
  • *****
  • Posts: 29,370
  • Karma: +8767/-0
  • Crawl like a worm before you walk like a God
  • Awards Fed upon countless victims. 2015 - from Count Dracula For being a great game artist - from JJS For leaving great comments - from Tbremise For reaching the rank 'Lieutenant', quite an accomplishment there - from Elroy For reaching the rank 'Soldier'.  - from tommy123 For reaching the rank 'General' - from Parry For being voted as the staff of the month - from Jmc10 You won 1st Place in Demon's roasting contest! - from Alonessix
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #13 on: May 10, 2018, 10:30 PM »
Damn....it was just getting really interesting. Lol
Not bad at all though man! Liches, horicruxs and magic...right up my alley.
One of the earliest stories involving a Lich had the horicrux contained in the head of a pin which was inside a chicken egg, locked in a box and underwater.

Eaststone needed a bit more diversity in his magic feats. I did appreciate how his "soul jar" choice seemed to influence his powers though.
I wanted to see him inhale Tom's soul and leave him a desiccated corpse laying on the stage floor, increasing his power. Taking Tom's skull and placing his horicrux inside it for protection.
The SWAT team situation escalated a bit too fast. Maybe he should have done something wicked awesome to kill the team leader before they opened fire. Idk, turning the guy inside out with a wave of his hand, perhaps melting his flesh off and unleashing his bloody skeleton to attack the other SWAT guys...?
Exhaling a plague of flesh eating insects might be another cool one.

This is less a criticism/critique than just me rattling off ideas because I really liked the story.
Any chance of continuing it further? You got me jonesing for more. 😂
Thanks: Benzel Washington





Offline wordigirl

  • Tank
  • ***
  • Posts: 6,234
  • Karma: +1616/-0
  • Have an exuberantly blessed day!!!
  • Awards Beware The Parry Award! - from ur mom. I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For having lots of positive karma, a great member in the Sploder Community - from Joji Happy Birthday! - from Joji
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2018, 12:17 AM »
@death.... Your suggestions.... Your name is self explanatory....
Best Thread 2017
❤love y'all https://bit.ly/2xde6rz❤
Need prayer? Seeking Answers? https://bit.ly/2J3hJSG


Offline Benetian Snares

  • b i g b o y
  • [Staff] General
  • Centipede
  • *****
  • Posts: 25,099
  • Karma: +4268/-0
  • The resident buttmonkey
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For the b i g b o y s  - from a v e r a g e b o y For reaching the rank 'General' - from konnichiha For being loveable - from Yugioh77 Award bestowed upon members inducted into the forum Hall of Fame - from konnichiha Happy Birthday! - from Spookie ;) An Award for Ben - from Omega You make up a part of the Elite 4.  - from Hivetyrantofawesome
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2018, 07:34 AM »
Damn....it was just getting really interesting. Lol
Not bad at all though man! Liches, horicruxs and magic...right up my alley.
One of the earliest stories involving a Lich had the horicrux contained in the head of a pin which was inside a chicken egg, locked in a box and underwater.

Eaststone needed a bit more diversity in his magic feats. I did appreciate how his "soul jar" choice seemed to influence his powers though.
I wanted to see him inhale Tom's soul and leave him a desiccated corpse laying on the stage floor, increasing his power. Taking Tom's skull and placing his horicrux inside it for protection.
The SWAT team situation escalated a bit too fast. Maybe he should have done something wicked awesome to kill the team leader before they opened fire. Idk, turning the guy inside out with a wave of his hand, perhaps melting his flesh off and unleashing his bloody skeleton to attack the other SWAT guys...?
Exhaling a plague of flesh eating insects might be another cool one.

This is less a criticism/critique than just me rattling off ideas because I really liked the story.
Any chance of continuing it further? You got me jonesing for more. 😂

Thanks!!! Yeah reading over it again I thought the SWAT team thing happened too fast and I know exactly why lol, I had been putting off writing this for my class for too long and by the tome that part came around I think it was like 2 am on the day it was due lmao. I like those ideas so I’ll keep them in mind next time I sit down to work on it.

And idk, I might. I had another story in my head that this was intended to be the introduction to, but now that it is what it is the tones wouldn’t match up very well but with that being said when I really start working on this again I’m sure some more ideas will pop up lol



Offline Cian

  • Soldier
  • Heavy Cruiser
  • ****
  • Posts: 13,990
  • Karma: +1622/-0
  • CyanGaming
  • Awards For reaching the rank 'Soldier'.  - from Probe You've earned five features! Nice job! - from Yugioh77 For making inspiring physic puzzle maker games - from J0ji For being an outstanding forum member! - from Netshark For having lots of positive karma, a great member in the Sploder Community - from Ravicale  I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL You have earned 3 Features. Nice job. - from Epicosaurus  For winning in textlabel's Sploder Raffle! - from lordeldar
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2018, 12:12 PM »
I enjoyed reading it and I hope you write more stories in the future, but just... fix the grammar mistake on the 5th line
"located in the ruins of a thousand of years-old village" should be "located in the ruins of a thousand year-old village"

Offline Benetian Snares

  • b i g b o y
  • [Staff] General
  • Centipede
  • *****
  • Posts: 25,099
  • Karma: +4268/-0
  • The resident buttmonkey
  • Awards I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL For the b i g b o y s  - from a v e r a g e b o y For reaching the rank 'General' - from konnichiha For being loveable - from Yugioh77 Award bestowed upon members inducted into the forum Hall of Fame - from konnichiha Happy Birthday! - from Spookie ;) An Award for Ben - from Omega You make up a part of the Elite 4.  - from Hivetyrantofawesome
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2018, 12:25 PM »
I enjoyed reading it and I hope you write more stories in the future, but just... fix the grammar mistake on the 5th line
"located in the ruins of a thousand of years-old village" should be "located in the ruins of a thousand year-old village"
Word failed me...



Offline Cian

  • Soldier
  • Heavy Cruiser
  • ****
  • Posts: 13,990
  • Karma: +1622/-0
  • CyanGaming
  • Awards For reaching the rank 'Soldier'.  - from Probe You've earned five features! Nice job! - from Yugioh77 For making inspiring physic puzzle maker games - from J0ji For being an outstanding forum member! - from Netshark For having lots of positive karma, a great member in the Sploder Community - from Ravicale  I participated in Trials IV! - from LIAM WILL You have earned 3 Features. Nice job. - from Epicosaurus  For winning in textlabel's Sploder Raffle! - from lordeldar
    • View Profile
    • Awards
Re: I wrote a short story (Warning: Some explicit language)
« Reply #18 on: May 11, 2018, 12:39 PM »
...

Tags: