Author Topic: A short story I wrote.  (Read 139 times)

Offline marvelwilliam

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A short story I wrote.
« on: May 11, 2013, 06:54 pm »
                                                                     Ascension
So, now that you're reading this I think I should ask you something. Is your life as messed up as mine? This is the story of my life....

I'm Lewis. a 15 year-old boy in school. I'm pretty lonely to be honest. Though I don't think its so bad considering I hate everyone. That's the thing with me. I made some friends when I was younger. I'm the only on who's grown up since then. So I'm stuck with a bunch of splodes for the rest of my life. I can't tell them to go away because they rely on me. I'm like Jesus. There's a bunch of suckers who do nothing with there life. Then there's me telling them that if you follow me, watch me do tricks and use my common sense then maybe you'll get somewhere. But its not like I'm any different. Everyday I wake up. Got to school, do a test, talk to my so called “Friends” meet a bunch of bullies who kick my ass and then I go home and it starts all...over...again. Until today. I met a girl. Well I met her before, but me being myself I never really spoke to her again. Well there was a bit more to it than that. Well me and Rob, my person. Doesn't seem like I can use the 'Friend' word at the moment. She came along, we had the awkward “Dream Weaver” stare and then Rob says
“Oh my god! Call the sexy police!” At that moment something died somewhere inside of me. Probably my dignity and my faith.  Then there's the bullies. Everyday, they come up and basically mug me. So I give them my money and go. Its like street tax. You don't complain you just go.

Anyway I got home one day open up my wardrobe and I see a Katana I stepped back in panic “Whoa, What the....” I walked back until I bumped into someone. “Hello”. She said. She was dressed in a white dress. “WHO ARE YOU!?” She put a gun to my head. “How about you shut the hell up?” She said. I sat down on the floor. “What are you doing?”
“Exactly what you said!” I said in a panic.
“Don't be a sheep, be a wolf.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“Its supposed to mean, don't do what anyone says.”
“You were pointing a gun at my freaking head!”
“Come with me.” I started walking until she hit me.
“STOP IT! What was that for!?”
“You did what I said!”
“Why are you here?”
“I need to train you.”
“For what?”
“Life. You were not meant for this. You were meant for so much more.”
“Like what?”
“Kicking ass.”
“What?”
“What do you think the Katana is for?” Suddenly I blacked out. When I woke up I was hanging upside down. Bleeding.
“Get out of the trap.” She said to me. Suddenly a saw came slowly towards me.
“Oh crap!” Just as it was about to hit me I woke up in bed. And the day started all over again.

In the tests I was so out of focus. Thinking about the night before. But I never considered to see if the Katana was there. I didn't even know if I wanted to. Do you ever think of how you'd save the class if a gunman walked in. How you'd daringly say something witty or heroic. You think of so many things. Like what would happen if you didn't mess something up. How many different conversations you'd have and what would happen if you fulfilled your dream. How you'd make the big-time and become a millionaire. Then wish you weren't the person you were so you could maybe start again. For me its the same everyday. Then that night, the same thing happened again. I struggled to get out of the trap but it didn't work. Then the same again and again until one day I planned out how I'd do it. I pulled the chain I was dangling from and survived. I took a sigh of relief. Then she stood over me. The women. “Holy crap! STOP DOING THAT! You are so creepy.”
Then her lips opened and said “Its time for you to learn.” I stood up and she gave me the sword. At the end of the corridor there was a punching bag. “Throw the the sword at the bag,” So I did and missed.
“Its too heavy” I said. She looked disappointed with me. “No its not. You just need to focus.” I looked at her confused. “Look lady, me focusing is not going to defy the laws of physics.” She picked up the sword and threw it and it cut straight through the bag. “HOLY-!” I shouted. “Now focus” She told me. So again I did. I took a deep breath, and threw it and it smashed the bag.  “Whoa.” She looked towards me. “Your training is complete.”

The next day I was doing my work and the teacher said. “Whats 17 X 3” Then I stood up and angrily said “I DON'T KNOW! IF I WANTED TO KNOW I'D USE A CALCULATOR!” She turned around and said “You'd look like and idiot walking round the shop with a  calculator!”
“Well I'd ALSO LOOK STUPID DOING THE GRID METHOD EVERYWHERE!” I stomped out of class. Then the bullies came up to me. “Hey Hulk! What are you doing? come on give me ya money!” But this time I said “NO!” they looked confused the pulled out a pocket knife and said “I'm going to kick your ass!” So I pulled out the katana walked up to him and started slicing I was slicing so fast you could barley see it. Then I stopped and he fell into a little pile of skin on the floor. Then a gunman walked in. Well to be exact two gunmen. I kicked the ammo clip out of the pistol and into the other ones throat then chopped the first one in half. Rob came up to me and said.
“Dayum! You're awesome!” I kicked his head off. Then the girl I wanted to go out with came up to me and we drove off. Yeah, I stole a car. So what?

“LEWIS! LEWIS WAKE UP!” I lifted my head from the desk. I was in the classroom again. “Damn it dude, get some sleep!” said the bully. Awesome Ninja? Ha in my dreams.
« Last Edit: May 12, 2013, 08:00 am by marvelwilliam »
 

Offline marvelwilliam

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Re: A short story I wrote.
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2013, 07:27 am »
Bump.
 

Offline IAmRacistToLiamnight

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Re: A short story I wrote.
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2013, 07:39 am »
Are you looking for honest feedback?
Go to Heaven for the climate,
Go to Hell for the company.

Some pretty legit games
 

Offline marvelwilliam

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Re: A short story I wrote.
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2013, 07:42 am »
Are you looking for honest feedback?
Oh yeah, forgot to say that.
Opinions?
 

Offline IAmRacistToLiamnight

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Re: A short story I wrote.
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2013, 07:42 am »
There were a lot of grammar mistakes. The wording was repetitive too, it used the same words multiple times in connected sentences. Needs better flow. It wasn't a great plot from the beginning, but it still could have been done better. People didn't talk like real people, and everything was just overly surreal.
Go to Heaven for the climate,
Go to Hell for the company.

Some pretty legit games
 

Offline kyleperkins0121733

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Re: A short story I wrote.
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2013, 07:42 am »
C.B.S
 

Offline marvelwilliam

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Re: A short story I wrote.
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2013, 07:50 am »
There were a lot of grammar mistakes. The wording was repetitive too, it used the same words multiple times in connected sentences. Needs better flow. It wasn't a great plot from the beginning, but it still could have been done better. People didn't talk like real people, and everything was just overly surreal.
I'm aware that there might be some grammar mistakes. I just wanted someone to find them if there were.

I'll re-read it and find those.

The women was supposed to be a bit bland for effect if you mean her.

The surreal part of it was supposed to be there. It was supposed to be a bit surreal. Do you want me to explain it to you? Well basically he was dreaming through the whole violence and ninja bit. It was just one of his dreams about how he would save the class if a gunman walked in.

Thanks for sharing your opinion!
 

Offline marvelwilliam

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Re: A short story I wrote.
« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2013, 08:00 am »
I've corrected it now!
 

Offline marvelwilliam

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Re: A short story I wrote.
« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2013, 08:31 am »
Bump.