Author Topic: What's Your Opinion on this Short Story?  (Read 47 times)

Offline nitrogendioxide

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What's Your Opinion on this Short Story?
« on: February 26, 2013, 03:54 am »
Here it is. Yes, I wrote it. No, it was not hard to write. c:

Room 467
A short story on how powerful the element of forgiveness and love can be.

Once there were two men. One lived in a room in an apartment; Room 476 was its number. The other man lived in the room beside to him. The first man hated the other man. He refused to talk to him. He never even turned his attention to him. He completely and utterly rejected him. The other man, however, was patient and gentle to him. He was calm and kind. He was loving and very passionate to him, despite all the deeds the other man had done to him. One day, the first man was terribly, terribly sad. He came to the other man. He asked, “Hey… Can you help me?” The other man replied with an affirmative nod, and a broad, welcoming smile. The first man received much comfort and help from the man over the next few weeks, and they became close friends that month, and their enmity had vanished. They rarely talked, however, and the first man found no time to visit the other man, as he was very busy with work.

Now that first man had a dog. The dog was called Suki. He loved it very much, and they often spent hours at the park. The man would throw the sticks the dog brought to him, never getting tired of it, and he and the dog grew to have a strong, steadfast relationship. The man treated the dog like a son, it even slept by his side. One night, the man was on his computer doing work, and he heard a sharp, loud bark. He ran over to his room, and he say Suki lay down on the floor, dead.

The man was terribly, terribly depressed. Grief haunted him day and night. He was lost and hurting. He had no more strength. He was hopeless and distraught.

One night the other man heard a knock at his door, it was 2 o’clock that stormy, dark night. The first man came in and wept, in the other man’s arms. He cried and cried, and the other man attempted to comfort him, with words of assurance, love, and sympathy. He kept on reminding the depressed soul to trust that it would all turn out to be well. After many hours the room was silent once again, and the other man said what he had been waiting to say, “Don’t worry, friend, I am with you, trust in me.”

The next day, the first man heard a knock on his door. He opened the door, and there stood the landowner. “There has been a horrific disease spread, and all animals must be removed from this block, do you own one?’ The man shed a tear and said no. The visitor left, leaving the man in a state of unbelief. It was somewhat lucky, he thought, that Suki died the day before, rather than being taken away that day. An hour later, the doorbell rang. It was a delivery man, clutching a large box with many holes in its top. He shouted at the wooden, old, door, “Delivery, delivery!” The man was surprised as he had not ordered anything recently. He politely said thank-you, and went by himself to open the box. He slid out the lid, and, to his most unexpected bewilderment, laid a little puppy. In the box there was a note. It read this; “My dear, dear friend. I am grieved at your loss, and I cannot bear your suffering. This precious dog is the brother of your previous one. I have spent all my earnings on this gift for you. I hope you enjoy this, from me to you. Most sincerely, your neighbour, your companion.”

At that moment the doorbell rang once again. The other man stepped in, eyeing the dog. He wore a bright, cheerful smile. They sat down and began to talk, as they had done before. “Friend, how did you find this dog? Why did you care so much about me? I have been horrible to you.” The first man said. “I have went to many stores and asked many times, and fortunately, the dog was found at last. I tell you, I have spent virtually all I have for you; what is left is merely the essentials for me to live. I have only a little left. What I ask for you now is this, I ask you to, as I have done, to also surrender what you have.” The first man was in abrupt shock. “I don’t want to surrender all I have.” The other man said, “What I mean is, not for you to give up and sell everything, but to let me be in control. I understand it sounds ridiculous, but…” “But I want to control my own life, friend.” “Yes, and when you did, you were depressed and lonely. When have I failed you? When have I refused you? When have I not loved you with all I am?” “Never have you not loved me, I know this, but I am still unsure.” “I know I am asking for a lot, but I remind you that you will not lose everything, but put it in my hands. Trust me, my dear friend; remember what happened when you did, and when you didn’t.” The first man hesitated, but then spoke. “I understand now, you have done for me nothing but well. It is my turn, now, and I am willing. I know your love shall not fail.

I trust you.”

Five years later, the first man was sitting down on his old couch, the same one he sat on that day he put his absolute trust in the other man. I was sitting opposite him, in that man’s place, as he told me all that had happened since that fateful day. “He asked me to quit my job and take up a new one. After that I was a lot happier and less busy. I rushed much less. I spent my money on charity, and that gave us all joy. My life has been changed, and I also, you see. It has all gone together wonderfully.” I sat there, taking in every word and scribbling it down on my notepad. “And that was the story, friend, have you got all of it?” “Yes, thank you.” I replied. Time was running low for me on that day, and I had to leave. I thanked him again, and left his old apartment, as he politely opened the door for me, smiling, with his dog, sitting by his side. I looked back, as he gently closed the door, and on that door, there was a plaque. It read Room 476.
The reason why some people play computer games or go on forums is this; the judgement is sound. In real life, people judge you by your looks and by everything unfairly, but virtually, it is all about your personality. It is so easy to fake your personality virtually, so it's easy to become popular.

Offline Gt

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Re: What's Your Opinion on this Short Story?
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2013, 03:56 am »
Nice, your good at it.

Offline NZA

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Re: What's Your Opinion on this Short Story?
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2013, 04:37 am »
It was a little dry, with a weak beginning. It didn't draw any of my attention.

But, now I want to write my own short story...

Join me on the biggest online text-based RPG TORN CITY -- here!