Author Topic: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.  (Read 272 times)

Offline casper11

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I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« on: January 05, 2013, 04:15 am »
I know this is crap, but can I have some pointers. Also, should I just end it there, or continue the narration.
Boo
 

Offline casper11

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2013, 04:15 am »


I've always been a bit of a wuss. Since I was little I've put myself in the shoes of the narrator in first person books, and as the main character in those in 3rd person. It makes it exciting. Doesn't really scream fun at you when it comes to Creepypastas though; that's why they scare me so easily. After listening to, or reading Creepypastas, I tend to get nightmares for about 3 days afterwards. Ha. Nightmares. They sound quite cool, as a word, don't they? Like Twilight Horse, or Morning Foal. And, I guess they are, once they're over, they become stories that you can tell your friends, your family, classmates or work colleagues. Or complete strangers that you have never, and will never meet.

It was about 4 months ago that it started. Every night, after school, I walk the dog down the lane, through the woods, and up the path around the pond. As I crossed the bridge out of the woods, I looked to my left, scanning the gals between the sapling trees with their green plastic guards for the dog, who appeared by my side from the exact opposite direction as the one she ran off in. There was nothing unusual about that. My dog was a wiry Jack Russell, and at 2 years old was plenty fit enough to run rings around pretty much everyone. What did worry me was the strange thing I saw floating about 3 foot above the ground in the trees.

I started to run then. I didn't care what the hell that thing was, and I didn't plan on finding out first hand. I wasn't curious then. I was too terrified to be curious. My dog ran with me, as she always does. She didn't seem scared, which reassured me, because dogs are meant to be able to sense stuff like that.

After half a mile of running, I finally dared to look back. All I saw were trees, most of them surrounded by fallen pine cones, but the occasional oak tree varied the mix a little. I looked down at my dog, who was grinning, her tongue lolling out of her mouth, and her ears flopped backwards. I figured I was safe.

I didn't bother to google the creature when I got home. I mean, the last thing I wanted is for online trolls to rip the piss out of me for being a splode. Anyway, when people do that you always find them dead at their computers with some creepy website still up on the screen. I didn't particularly want to make someone barf up their breakfast reading the morning paper. The creature... was... strange. It reminded me of the splodeed version of SmileDog; the one that looks like a clown. Not that I find the original scary, either. I may be a wuss but it's just someone's husky sat in front of a radiator with a kid in the background reaching out to touch it. If I cease my rambling, I will continue to describe the creature. It was like the splodeed version of SmileDog, but it had a human shaped body, rather like those stereotypical female ghosts that haunt old manors and the like. That's it. If it kills me I'll have been so unlucky that I will have been murdered by the worlds least interesting supernatural entity. Woot!


Ever since I saw it, I've been seeing things out of the corner of my eye. Cupboard doors move, digital clocks flicker, bottles twist open. Buzzing beeping noises fill my ears, a whir like a washing machine, a dial tone sound, random blips and beeps, and an everlasting static fizz.

Alcohol made it worse. Every sip of the Christmas and new year champagne amplified the sounds, and made the movements more noticeable, and it didn't settle back down again. It's still like it, deafening and terrifying. Every waking minute I am looking over my shoulder, hoping that I won't see that creature, that nondescript abomination of a creature.


Today I saw it again, for the first time since that day. It showed me a picture of my dog with her eyes taped to her tail, and her chest slit down the middle in an impossibly straight line. It showed me an image of my cat, strapped, spread eagled, to my bed his fur shaved off in the word hate. It showed me my mum and dad, fully clothed, their throats cut, and, etched across their foreheads, the word "being". It then flashed through images of everyone I cared about, even remotely, each of them mutilated and no longer living, and each sporting the word "seen" carved into their corpses. It was wrong. So, so wrong. I couldn't watch but I was physically unable not to.

Then it showed me my corse. Deathly pale. No visible marks. Nothing. I was just a body, I wasn't a murder, I was a death, a peaceful death. My eyes and mouth were shut, my mouth curved in a slight smile. Then, as if forced open by something I couldn't see, "my" eyes were open. The pain in those eyes. My eyes. I don't know what it will do to me, and I'm terrified as I run all these scenarios through my mind... But I thought the wimpy ones where always the first to die...
Boo
 

Offline enzo186

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2013, 05:15 am »
I like how you meantion Creepypasta in it. Kinda makes it more believable
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Offline casper11

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2013, 05:29 am »
I like how you meantion Creepypasta in it. Kinda makes it more believable
Thanks.
Boo
 

Offline casper11

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2013, 07:25 am »
38 people have looked at this and only one has bothered posting. Thanks, guys, good to know you want to help.
Boo
 

Offline Red

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2013, 07:51 am »
Well it's pretty good for a first attempt. I've seen a lot of pathetic ones on the actual site. I admit it's not the best, but for your first one it's pretty good. :D
Shadow ray cannon
Gold aurum axe
Shadow soul sword
9 bronze
17 silver
Golden exalted stake lance
Golden cross sword
1 phantoms
hp, phy def talisman
Hp and range attack talisman
Hp and speed talisman
Key
2 HP potion
Speed potion
Demon shard 1/5
3 Armour temp.
8 fish
1 lan. bow. temps.
 

Offline casper11

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2013, 08:39 am »
Well it's pretty good for a first attempt. I've seen a lot of pathetic ones on the actual site. I admit it's not the best, but for your first one it's pretty good. :D
It's not finished. I want to know if I should make that the ending or continue. That's the whole reason I posted it.
Boo
 

Offline Red

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2013, 12:54 pm »
It's not finished. I want to know if I should make that the ending or continue. That's the whole reason I posted it.
Hmm, Well some end obscurely, it depends on how you want it really.
Shadow ray cannon
Gold aurum axe
Shadow soul sword
9 bronze
17 silver
Golden exalted stake lance
Golden cross sword
1 phantoms
hp, phy def talisman
Hp and range attack talisman
Hp and speed talisman
Key
2 HP potion
Speed potion
Demon shard 1/5
3 Armour temp.
8 fish
1 lan. bow. temps.
 

Offline CG

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2013, 02:00 pm »
Just end it there.
 

Offline ticktatwert

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2013, 02:15 pm »
Better than most.
I once tried to write one but I couldn't be bothered to finish it.
It was about a evil monkey doll that killed a little girl and still haunts the woods.
Even made a short video ages ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9fFTszKPbY
I also tried make a video with my friend. Where we were exploring the woods and we so the monkey doll around the forest fall various times. Plus I tried to make it look likee my sister appeared ghostly in the video but it didn't work out. So I deleted the video. Then after we threw the monkey in the local river lol.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2013, 02:19 pm by ticktatwert »
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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #11 on: January 05, 2013, 03:13 pm »
splode
 

Offline theravicale

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #12 on: January 05, 2013, 03:23 pm »
Not bad, though I would change out some of the words like wiry near the beginning, it makes it feel like a normal short story instead of something that somebody would write to recount events.


 

Offline casper11

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #13 on: January 05, 2013, 05:12 pm »
Not bad, though I would change out some of the words like wiry near the beginning, it makes it feel like a normal short story instead of something that somebody would write to recount events.
I meant wiry long legged, not wiry fur. to emphasis the speed. I'll read it again. Any other specific words?
Boo
 

Offline theravicale

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #14 on: January 06, 2013, 04:00 pm »
Words I could find:
Foal, gals, plenty fit (remove the plenty), lolling, whir,

Just try and make it sound like a person of average intellect (perceived average, not actual) is telling it, otherwise it feels too much like literature and reduces immersion. Save highly descriptive words for graphic scenes as it makes it feel more detailed and organic.


I would also remove bits where you digress or make mention of digressing, it reduces the immersion:
They sound quite cool, as a word, don't they? Like Twilight Horse, or Morning Foal
If I cease my rambling, I will continue to describe the creature.


 

Offline casper11

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Re: I've started to attempt to write a creepypasta.
« Reply #15 on: January 06, 2013, 04:13 pm »
<b>Saturday, 5th January, 2012</b><br /><br />I've always been a bit of a wuss. Since I was little I've put myself in the shoes of the narrator in first person books, and as the main character in those in 3rd person. It makes it exciting. Doesn't really scream fun at you when it comes to Creepypastas though; that's why they scare me so easily. After listening to, or reading Creepypastas, I tend to get nightmares for about 3 days afterwards. Ha. Nightmares. They sound quite cool, as a word, don't they? Like Twilight Horse, or Morning Foal. And, I guess they are, once they're over, they become stories that you can tell your friends, your family, classmates or work colleagues. Or complete strangers that you have never, and will never meet.

It was about 4 months ago that it started. Every night, after school, I walk the dog down the lane, through the woods, and up the path around the pond. As I crossed the bridge out of the woods, I looked to my left, scanning the gals between the sapling trees with their green plastic guards for the dog, who appeared by my side from the exact opposite direction as the one she ran off in. There was nothing unusual about that. My dog was a wiry Jack Russell, and at 2 years old was plenty fit enough to run rings around pretty much everyone. What did worry me was the strange thing I saw floating about 3 foot above the ground in the trees.

I started to run then. I didn't care what the hell that thing was, and I didn't plan on finding out first hand. I wasn't curious then. I was too terrified to be curious. My dog ran with me, as she always does. She didn't seem scared, which reassured me, because dogs are meant to be able to sense stuff like that.

After half a mile of running, I finally dared to look back. All I saw were trees, most of them surrounded by fallen pine cones, but the occasional oak tree varied the mix a little. I looked down at my dog, who was grinning, her tongue lolling out of her mouth, and her ears flopped backwards. I figured I was safe.

I didn't bother to google the creature when I got home. I mean, the last thing I wanted is for online trolls to rip the piss out of me for being a punani. Anyway, when people do that you always find them dead at their computers with some creepy website still up on the screen. I didn't particularly want to make someone barf up their breakfast reading the morning paper. The creature... was... strange. It reminded me of the goobered version of SmileDog; the one that looks like a clown. Not that I find the original scary, either. I may be a wuss but it's just someone's husky sat in front of a radiator with a kid in the background reaching out to touch it. If I cease my rambling, I will continue to describe the creature. It was like the goobered version of SmileDog, but it had a human shaped body, rather like those stereotypical female ghosts that haunt old manors and the like. That's it. If it kills me I'll have been so unlucky that I will have been murdered by the worlds least interesting supernatural entity. Woot!


Ever since I saw it, I've been seeing things out of the corner of my eye. Cupboard doors move, digital clocks flicker, bottles twist open. Buzzing beeping noises fill my ears, a whir like a washing machine, a dial tone sound, random blips and beeps, and an everlasting static fizz.

Alcohol made it worse. Every sip of the Christmas and new year champagne amplified the sounds, and made the movements more noticeable, and it didn't settle back down again. It's still like it, deafening and terrifying. Every waking minute I am looking over my shoulder, hoping that I won't see that creature, that nondescript abomination of a creature.


Today I saw it again, for the first time since that day. It showed me a picture of my dog with her eyes taped to her tail, and her chest slit down the middle in an impossibly straight line. It showed me an image of my cat, strapped, spread eagled, to my bed his fur shaved off in the word hate. It showed me my mum and dad, fully clothed, their throats cut, and, etched across their foreheads, the word "being". It then flashed through images of everyone I cared about, even remotely, each of them mutilated and no longer living, and each sporting the word "seen" carved into their corpses. It was wrong. So, so wrong. I couldn't watch but I was physically unable not to.

Then it showed me my corse. Deathly pale. No visible marks. Nothing. I was just a body, I wasn't a murder, I was a death, a peaceful death. My eyes and mouth were shut, my mouth curved in a slight smile. Then, as if forced open by something I couldn't see, "my" eyes were open. The pain in those eyes. My eyes. I don't know what it will do to me, and I'm terrified as I run all these scenarios through my mind...
<b>Sunday, 6th January, 2012</b>
It let me be normal today, everyone was still there, but at about 10:00 PM it showed me a corpse. It was a person I had once met, back in primary school. Her name was Abigail, and I'd kept in touch with her for about a year after I moved. Until she gave up writing letters. The body looked slightly different to the one it had shown me before, it was as if it had tried to follow a plan, and got it slightly off. I don't understand why.

<b>Monday, 7th January, 2012</b>
Again it let me go about my day as usual. I didn't even see it until 10:00 PM. It showed me another corpse: my half cousin, Alison. This one was nothing like the plan; it was a hash job, a rushed looking thing.

<b>Tuesday, 8th January, 2012</b>
I'm starting to enjoy seeing its handywork at night. I know what it ants me to do now; it showed me myself again. It wants me to kill myself, to carry out its plan for it, but I don't want to die.

<b>Wednesday, 9th January, 2012</b>
It thinks it can crack me. It's wrong. I am not going to <i>flipping DIE</i>. If you know me, then do everything you ever wanted to do, because it will get you. It doesn't fail.

<b>Thursday, 10th January, 2012</b>
I made a plan today. I joined facebook, and started adding everyone I could. In all the stories I've read before, the wimps die first. Well, not this one. This wimp isn't going to die. Not before everyone else does, anyway.

Any better?
Boo