Author Topic: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.  (Read 210 times)

Offline kylepeanut12

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I am the type of kid to sit in the corner, silent and alone. But when this unfortunate turn of events happened, I never wanted to be left alone again.

It all started on May 7th, 2003. It was lunch at school, I was sitting alone, about to start eating when a younger kid came up to me. I was alone, like I always am, and he sat down next to me. I was a bit surprised, none of the other kid's liked sitting with me. 8th graders, like myself, usually sit at one section of the lunchroom, while the 6th and 7th graders sat at another part. This kid was obviously a 6th grader. He was small, couldn't weigh over 80 pounds, and he was very quiet, like myself. "Hi, I am Tony," he said. "Hello..." I said back. There was an awkward moment of silence, then he broke the silence and talked, "hey, want to be friends?" He asked, shyly. "Sure, why not!" I said back, joyfully.

I was really excited because I never really had a friend before. We talked for awhile, and I gave him my personal phone number and e-mail, and we parted ways, but then, the last day of school came. I got a phone call that morning before I left for school.

"Hey, I talked to my mom, she said you could come over today after school, and maybe spend the night," Tony said.

"Alright, sounds cool, my mom said it's fine if I go over," I said back.

"Cool, see you at school," Tony replied.

He hung up.

I went to school feeling pretty good that day, even though I was kind of sad it was the last day of school. The day went by fast, we did nothing besides for clean our lockers and talk, and the more I talked to Tony the more I could feel his depression. When we first met, I learned his father died earlier in the year and that he was in a severe depression. I felt bad for him, but he always seemed angry at someone or something. He never looked someone in the eye when he talked, he would kind of just glare at everyone.

We walked to his house right after school, not knowing we would walk into a very disturbing image that will haunt me for the rest of my life. It was only a 10 minute walk, and we were both awkwardly silent the whole walk. Then, we approach his house. It's kind of small, which isn't a bad thing, seeing how it's only him and his mom.

He takes out a house key and unlocks the door. Then, what we see next seems like it's straight out of a horror movie. His mom is laying on the floor, dead. She has a knife in her neck. There is a note next to her dead body saying:

"Tony. I did this for my own good. Ever since your dad died, I haven't been able to go on. I am done with life, I wish you could understand, but your only young. There is money in a safe under my bed. Take it, spend it wisely. Run away from this town. Far away, and never come back. Don't take help from others, and don't trust anyone. I love you with all my might, but this is for the best."

Tony feel to the ground, crying. He takes the knife from his mom's neck and throws it into the wall. Then, he goes into his room real quick, grabs a gun, and aims it right at me. He then corners me and puts the gun to my head. I was trying to keep calm, but it was obviously hard in this situation. He releases the gun from my head to my leg. He then pulls the trigger. My leg has a big cut in the middle, right below the knee and there is a gaping hole right above the cut. I fall to the ground, almost passed out.

The last thing I see before I pass out is Tony pulling the trigger on himself.

I wake up 5 hours later. The neighbor's had called the police when they heard Tony screaming and crying over the suicide of his mother. I wake up in the hospital with my mom, dad, little sister, and grandparents, in chairs around me. They tell me everything is going to be okay. 3 days later, my right leg was amputated. From that day on, I was no longer a typical teenager.

And to the day I am writing this, August 14th, 2007, I have never forgotten the day when my best friend, and his mother, killed themselves. Since then, I have visited many doctors, mental and physical, and I will never witness anything as horrid as the suicide of my best friend and his mother.
Buss down thotiana
 

Offline Lamborghinirules

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2012, 10:36 pm »
8/10
It's better to finish roughly than not to finish at all.
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Offline alon

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2012, 10:41 pm »
7/10, there were some flaws but it was pretty good.

For instance, why would he shoot his best friend, the person who might give him the best support, and why would the gun cabinet be unlocked?
 

Offline kylepeanut12

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2012, 10:45 pm »
7/10, there were some flaws but it was pretty good.

For instance, why would he shoot his best friend, the person who might give him the best support, and why would the gun cabinet be unlocked?

Because he got all mad because his mother died, so he went insane. Thank you for your rating, by the way.

8/10

Thank ya! ;)

Buss down thotiana
 

Offline Angel of Io

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2012, 10:46 pm »
i didn't read the title and i thought this was legit for a second

i was like, holy splode, i felt so sorry for you

 

Offline kylepeanut12

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2012, 10:47 pm »
i didn't read the title and i thought this was legit for a second

i was like, holy flipp, i felt so sorry for you

O_O This would NEVER happen to me...or so I hope.
Buss down thotiana
 

Offline kylepeanut12

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2012, 11:04 pm »
Bump.
Buss down thotiana
 

Offline konnichihao

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #7 on: November 03, 2012, 11:11 pm »
6. Its pretty good, but there's definitely problems.

--

"Hey, I talked to my mom, she said you could come over today after school, and maybe spend the night," Tony said.

"Alright, sounds cool, my mom said it's fine if I go over," I said back.

--

How did his mom say it was okay, its not like he knew Tony was going to call, and he never paused to ask his mother.

Also, the whole, "Get out of this town, don't take help from anyone, etc" thing got me pumped up for an epic story, but then just let me down with the protagonist (or I suppose antagonist in this case) killing himself and the story ending.

Idk, it could of been a lot better, but some of the writing was very well done and really did put me in the shoes of the characters.

 

Offline kylepeanut12

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2012, 11:14 pm »
6. Its pretty good, but there's definitely problems.

--

"Hey, I talked to my mom, she said you could come over today after school, and maybe spend the night," Tony said.

"Alright, sounds cool, my mom said it's fine if I go over," I said back.

--

How did his mom say it was okay, its not like he knew Tony was going to call, and he never paused to ask his mother.

Also, the whole, "Get out of this town, don't take help from anyone, etc" thing got me pumped up for an epic story, but then just let me down with the protagonist (or I suppose antagonist in this case) killing himself and the story ending.

Idk, it could of been a lot better, but some of the writing was very well done and really did put me in the shoes of the characters.

Hm, your right, I guess that part of leaving and never coming back could really get someone pumped up. The other part, I am not really sure about...lol.

Maybe I will write a longer story, only it will be in the prospective of Tony instead of the nameless main character, and maybe the story will be different, where he does run away.

Thanks for the idea and the rating. :3
Buss down thotiana
 

Offline ju44

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2012, 12:29 am »
3/10

It is the same reason I took 3 months to read the Fellowship of the Ring; too sad/pessimistic/depressive.
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Offline konnichihao

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2012, 01:04 am »
3/10

It is the same reason I took 3 months to read the Fellowship of the Ring; too sad/pessimistic/depressive.
Rating a story on it's atmosphere? Seriously? Emotion in a story is never a negative, saying it's too sad doesn't make any sense.
 

Offline lordeldar

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2012, 08:17 am »
6/10

Could definitely be better, but it was good

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Offline kylepeanut12

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2012, 02:53 pm »
Thank you, all. Even if it was a bad rating, that's fine with me, it let's me know what I can improve on.
Buss down thotiana
 

Offline Prince Daydream

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2012, 02:59 pm »
7/10
It was pretty good, though I'd like it a lot more if it were longer. I like the fact that the story starts off happy-ish and as the story goes on its like a downward spiral.
 

Offline benno98

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #14 on: November 04, 2012, 02:59 pm »
8/10.
It's quite a sad story but is well written with a couple of minor flaws like what 6an6sta6rillz said.

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Offline Spidapig

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #15 on: November 04, 2012, 03:05 pm »
5/10

Your conversations were written really bland-like.  You didn't have enough character development for the boy, so you kinda jumped around and never really turned him into a dynamic character.  I agree with whoever that was about the note.  I think that overall, the story was a bit too jumpy with not enough character development.
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Offline xenom

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #16 on: November 04, 2012, 03:08 pm »
0/10.... Just kidding 8/10
 

Offline Dale18

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #17 on: November 04, 2012, 03:09 pm »
5/10
 

Offline kylepeanut12

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Re: Rate this story I wrote on a scale from 0-10, 0 worst, 10 best.
« Reply #18 on: November 04, 2012, 03:11 pm »
Thank you, all. I am getting so many great writing ideas just from the comments you guys have left me. XD

@spidapig, I am actually thinking of making it into a story where Tony is the main character and he does run away, so yes, your right, it could have more character development.
Buss down thotiana